Work Is Such A Different Place Now

It's hard for me to believe I'm working the same job.   It's odd, but I find that I'm actually looking forward to going to work again.  I used to feel that way.  I liked my job for a long, long time.   I guess it gave me a sense of accomplishment that I've never been able to achieve anywhere else.   I think the structure of the job enables me to perform better.  When I'm at home, my A.D.D. tends to have me jumping here and there and everywhere and I don't get enough done to feel like I've accomplished anything....or I have lists of things to do that are so long, that even when I do a lot I still feel like I've not done enough.   That's depressing.    Sometimes I  feel overwhelmed before I even get started and end up just doing things I like to do instead of things that need to be done.   I put those off.  Of course, that only makes it worse.


But at work, I can focus.  It's not hard for me to grasp what needs to be done and how to get it done as quickly as possible. Probably, the fact that management is under so much stress and keeps passing on to us that everything needs to be done yesterday creates an adrenalin flow that helps me.  Anyway, whatever the reason, I do good work.  I have done good work for a long time, but it seems this new team of managers has only been able to grasp that I can do good work AFTER I went part time.   After a period of time, they began to realize that all that have to do is tell me what they want done.  They don't have to tell me how to do it.  They don't have to inspect it along the way to see if it's being done right.  They don't have to send me back to clean up a mess that I left after it's over.   They just tell me what they want and then leave me alone.   I like that.  And they like it too.   Some of the work is a lot harder (in that I'm working "fast and furious" and lifting and walking back and forth, back and forth), but it's so nice to be left alone and allowed to just do the job and then know when it's over that I've done it well.   


I've wished there was a way I could bring my work self home and get me to do the same things at home that I do there. (I used to wish that in the past when I'd go help someone else with work they had to get done.  Even back then, I'd say, "I wish I had a Mitchi to help me get my work done at home.")  But when I'm home, I  can't seem to figure out what's most important to get done and stick with it. At home, there are the normal life interruptions.  The telephone rings and it's MY phone.  Things come up unexpectedly that get my attention.    And then, of course, there's always the lure of what I enjoy more anyway.  And there is not someone coming in to inspect the job (like knowing the Regional Manager might be dropping by anytime and will be critiquing what I'm doing in a very exacting way).  

I think my kids have always been annoyed that I liked  my job ( probably because I talked about it way too much.)  But the truth is, it was there that my best side came out.  It was there that I didn't feel like a failure.  It was there that  what I do, I did to my own satisfaction.   (And that was how it was when I used to go help someone else do their work.)   When I come home, all I can see is my "failure" and that does not give me warm, fuzzy feelings. 


I need to figure out a system at home to implement some of the "talent" I have for knowing what is most important and doing the jobs well.   But that's something I've not been able to accomplish so far in life and I'm getting a little on the old side to think it's ever going to happen.   I haven't given up though.   I think if I can just accept that a person who has A.D.D. is not going to be like the rest of the world anyway and just implement a system that is acceptable to me-- instead of trying to figure out how everyone else would do it and feel like a failure because I don't do it that way-- then I would be much happier with myself at home.